House-Hunting Hell

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=90 BGCOLOR="#006699" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="02c285a1erlcgo.png"> <div> <FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#FFCC66" FACE="Arial" ><B>Martin Kimel</B></FONT><B>    </B><B> |     </B><A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Martin Kimel"><U><B>home</B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" width=210 BGCOLOR="#FFCC66" TEXT="#080000" background="02ad2c00dkelyh.png"> <div> <FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" ><B>ARTICLES</B></FONT> <A NAME="articles"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" ><B>(</B></FONT><B>lighter</B><FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT><B>pieces </B><A HREF="#lighter_pieces" TITLE="HouseHunting Hell"><U><B>below</B></U></A><FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" ><B>)</B></FONT></div> <div> Why cameras don't belong in the <A HREF="id20.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Justice Filmed Is Justice Distorted"><U>jury room</U></A>.  <I>Washington Post </I>(Dec. 22, 2002)</div> <div> Remember the D.C. Snipers? The Case for Ballistic Fingerprinting (2002)</div> <div> <A HREF="id22.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Regulating the Ferrari Set on a Ford Sa"><U>Regulating the Ferrari Set - on a Ford Salary</U></A>, <I>Washington Post </I>(Jan. 4, 2000)</div> <div> Read the article on pro-Palestinian media bias that <A HREF="id23.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="ProPalestinian Media Bias: An Examinati"><U>infuriated a Washington Post editor</U></A> (2002) (note: it's long)</div> <div> <A HREF="http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&&id=325&&cn=0&&clnt=clnt00001&&" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.p"><U>Slackers, Stigma and Depression</U></A>, Mental Health Net (1997)</div> <div> Boyz 'N the Neck -about the <A HREF="id24.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Boyz N the Hood"><U>racial crisis</U></A> in my home town, <I>American Lawyer </I>(March 1996)</div> <div> I review <A HREF="id25.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Rebutting the MacDworkinites"><U><I>Defending Pornography</I></U></A><A HREF="id25.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Rebutting the MacDworkinites"><U> </U></A>by the ACLU's Nadine Strossen, <I>Legal Times </I>(Aug. 1995)</div> <div> <A HREF="id27.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="PC or Not PC, That is the Question"><U>Does Free Speech Exist?</U></A> - I review Stanley Fish, <I>Legal Times </I>(Apr. 1994)</div> <div> <A HREF="id26.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Does the Jury System Need Repair?"><U>Does the Jury System Need Repair?</U></A> <I>Legal Times </I>(Jan. 1995)</div> <div> <A HREF="http://www.kimel.net/jewpol.html" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.kimel.net/jewpol.html"><U>Polish-Jewish Reconciliation: A Long Way to Go</U></A>, originally published in <I>The Forward </I>(Dec. 1996) (scroll halfway down linked page)</div> <bR> <div>  <A NAME="lighter_pieces"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A><FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Eras Light ITC" ><B>LIGHTER PIECES</B></FONT></div> <div> <A HREF="id28.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Well Blow Them Out of the Water!"><U>We'll Blow Them Out of the Water! The 2012 Olympics</U></A>, <I>Washington Post</I>, (Jan. 2002)</div> <div> <A HREF="id29.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Being Dave Eggers"><U>Being Dave Eggers</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id30.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Tanless"><U>Tanless </U></A>(Fall 2002)</div> <div> <A HREF="id19.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="HouseHunting Hell"><U>House-hunting Hell</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id31.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="TV Hits Youll Soon Be Talking About"><U>TV hits you'll soon be talking about</U></A> (with Gregory Baruch, 2002) </div> <div> <A HREF="id32.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE=" Look Good in Tux, Ready to Run the NEA"><U>Look Good in Tux, Ready to Run the NEA</U></A>, <I>Wall Street Journal </I>(April 1989)</div> <div> <A HREF="id33.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Europe Beware! The Yanks Are Coming"><U>Superlawyers storm the Continent!</U></A> <I>Baltimore Sun (Apr. 1992)</I></div> <div> Regulating Wall Street Billionaires - Hear me on Public Radio's <A HREF="http://marketplace.org/shows/2000/02/07_mpp.html" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://marketplace.org/shows/2000/02/07_"><U>"Marketplace"</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id34.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The Lullaby of Washington"><U>The Lullaby of Washington - Hail to the Redskins? </U></A><I>Washington Post</I> (Jan. 1991<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" >)</FONT></div> <div> <A HREF="#articles" TITLE="HouseHunting Hell"><U>BACK TO TOP</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id18.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Contact Me"><U>E-Mail Me!</U></A></div> <bR> </td> <td valign="top" height=390 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <I>House-Hunting Hell</I></div> <div> ©2002 Martin Kimel</div> <bR> <div> Each week, a different family shops for a house on a “reality-TV” cable program called <I>House Hunters</I>.  The only problem with the show is figuring out where the “reality” part comes in.  The program's Goldilocks formula is simple and unvarying:  The first two homes aren't right, the third is perfect, and the family's offer is always accepted immediately.  No hassles, no headaches, no arm-twisting agents, no buyer's remorse.  In fact, no one on the show ever discusses money.  In the world of Home & Garden Television's <I>House Hunters</I>, the home-buying process is really quite pleasant.</div> <bR> <div> I don't know where the buyers on <I>House Hunters</I> are looking (the program never says), but I do know it's nowhere near New York or San Francisco or Washington (where I live).  If they made the show in any of these cities, the idyllic <I>House Hunters</I> would look more like a cross between <I>Survivor</I> and <I>Fear Factor</I>.  Like those reality game shows, contestants on the big-city version of<I> House Hunters</I> would need to rely on their wits, stamina and steely determination.  But instead of <I>winning</I> a bundle, the couple still standing at the end of the series would be <I>spending </I>a fortune:  In the close-in suburbs of major cities, a half million today will buy you a starter house in an okay school district - if you're lucky.</div> <bR> <div> Reflecting a more realistic home-buying experience than its HGTV counterpart, the new <I>House Hunters </I>would play out over an entire television season and be divided into different rounds:</div> <bR> <div> <B>The</B> <B>Preliminaries.  </B>Contestants who have avoided opening their brokerage statements for months bravely review their stock market-depleted assets in this round and come up with an amount they are comfortable spending (a number they'll soon discard).  Buyers must also hire a real-estate agent before moving on to the next round.</div> <bR> <div> <B>The Search.   </B>a/k/a the disillusionment round, in which buyers criss-cross their target area only to discover that they must radically re-think their budget and learn to put aside their foolish dreams.  Getting a jump on the competition is important, so players must be prepared to pounce on anything with a foundation.  Some motivated buyers will even cruise selected neighborhoods in search of houses that are about to go on the market but have yet to be listed.  This practice is not without risk, however, because of the possibility the intrepid buyer will be mistaken for a prowler and roughed up by an overzealous neighborhood watch group.</div> <bR> <div> <B>The Visit/Open House.   </B>Dragging one or more whining children in tow, players in this round visit the homes they have found that day.  Depending on the style of house, they may discover innovative architectural features, such as the basement-level kitchen.  Savvy buyers also will consider the house's location:  Is that major highway next door something they can live with?  And while the house fits nicely in the neighborhood today, will it look like a hovel once the rest of the street is McMansioned?  As in <I>Survivor</I>, competitors may attempt mind games like trying to dissuade others at an open house from bidding by commenting loudly on the house's many problems.  But sellers' agents tend to frown upon such ploys, and it may not be wise to anger a seller in this market.  As always, strategy is king.</div> <bR> <div> <B>The Offer.</B>  In this round, viewers learn which buyers have “come to play.”  First, the couple must decide to make an offer upon seeing the property for the first time. Then, instead of negotiating <I>down</I> from the seller's asking price, buyers must figure out how much <I>over</I> the asking price they are prepared to go in their “escalation clause.”  They may wonder whether it's worth getting the kids into a good school district if they have to pay so much for the house that there will be nothing left for college.  But money isn't the only thing buyers need to ponder, as they sit down with their realtor to sign page after page of contractual provisions, all carefully drafted to protect the agents' commissions.  They will be told they must make a “clean” offer if they are to have any chance of getting the house.  Are they, for example, willing to waive the finance contingency, the home-inspection contingency and the rights to their first-born child? </div> <bR> <div> Next, buyers' agents will present their clients' offers to the seller.  For the many unsuccessful bidders, it's back to the Search round.</div> <bR> <div> <B>The Inspection (if not previously waived).</B>  House-hunting also resembles another reality show, <I>The Mole</I>, in which team members try to figure out who among them is secretly working against the team.  By now, all but the most trusting buyers will have begun to suspect that their agent - who is paid only if a deal closes - may be playing a double game.  With the agent's commission on the line, can buyers trust the home inspector their agent recommended to do a thorough job and maybe report a deal-breaking problem with the house?  A wrong move here can cause them grief for years to come.</div> <bR> <div> <B>Financing the Purchase.</B>  At this stage, one lucky couple has outbid, outplayed and outlasted the others, and is rewarded with . . . a (probably) uninspected house that may turn out to be nothing but a money pit with a fresh coat of paint and a purchase price so huge you would think the couple was buying the Taj Mahal.  It's also likely that the buyers waived the finance contingency, so they are legally obligated to purchase the mystery house even if they can't obtain a loan.  It's about now that paralyzing buyer's remorse sets in.</div> <bR> <div> <B>Taking Possession.</B>  Following settlement and a successful move (meaning that only a few prized possessions were damaged), the house-poor “winners” can now spend several well-earned minutes reveling in their new home.  They should enjoy these precious moments, because soon they will be battling insomnia as they realize that the real-estate bubble can burst at any second, sending house prices falling faster than Enron stock.</div> <div>      </div> <div>      </div> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>