We'll Blow Them Out of the Water!

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=90 BGCOLOR="#006699" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="02c285a1erlcgo.png"> <div> <FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#FFCC66" FACE="Arial" ><B>Martin Kimel</B></FONT><B>    </B><B> |     </B><A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Martin Kimel"><U><B>home</B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" width=210 BGCOLOR="#FFCC66" TEXT="#080000" background="02ad2c00dkelyh.png"> <bR> <div> <B>ARTICLES</B> <A NAME="articles"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" ><B>(</B></FONT><B>lighter</B><FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT><B>pieces </B><A HREF="#lighter_pieces" TITLE="Well Blow Them Out of the Water!"><U><B>below</B></U></A><FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" ><B>)</B></FONT></div> <div> <I>New!  "</I><A HREF="id95.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Stand Up to Cancer? 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Four American applicants, including the Washington-Baltimore region,  remain in the hunt to be the U.S. candidate for the 2012 Summer Olympics. Any  edge is important, so the nation's capital must be ready to showcase the charms  of official Washington and unofficial D.C. when International Olympic Committee  members arrive in Salt Lake City early next month for the 2002 Winter Games.</FONT></div> <bR> <div>  </div> <div>    A blue-ribbon, bipartisan commission here at Taking Liberties recommends  seven special events for the 2012 games that other venues would be hard-pressed  to match:</div> <bR> <div>  </div> <div>    <B>SYNCHRONIZED SPINNING</B> Armed only with talking points, mid-level government  officials will go for the coveted Clinton Prize as they take on the Washington  press corps in a display of verbal gymnastics. Watch as two-briefer teams come  dangerously close to disclosing useful information -- only to pirouette away at  the last moment. Points will be awarded for style, form and the ability to deny  the obvious with a straight face. Sponsored by C-SPAN.</div> <div>  </div> <bR> <div>    <B>THE RONALD REAGAN MEMORIAL DECATHLON</B> In this event, judged by former  speechwriter Peggy Noonan and Rep. Bob Barr (R-Ga.), competitors will dash about  the region renaming 10 landmarks -- or any other appropriate item -- after our  40th president. A bonus GOP House seat will go to the athlete who most loudly  denounces Washington's interference in other people's local affairs while  imposing his or her views on disenfranchised D.C. residents.</div> <bR> <div>  </div> <div>    <B>THE FIVE-MILE HIGH-HURDLE WALK-RUN</B> Dodging SUVs so big they block out the  sun and Volvo station wagons driven by behind-schedule soccer moms, athletes  will make their way on foot on a five-mile course from the Ronald Reagan Kennedy  Center past the Ronald Reagan Lincoln Memorial to the District's Ronald Reagan  Department of Motor Vehicles office. There, in a grueling test of endurance,  tenacity and other tired sports cliche[acute]s, they will jump a dizzying  succession of arbitrary rules and surly clerks in an attempt to register an  automobile.</div> <bR> <div>  </div> <div>    <B>PING-PONG PUNDITRY </B>Remember when America used to lose to the old Soviet  Union in basketball? Here's another sport that will benefit from the opening of  the Olympics to pros. Anchored by the new dream team of Geraldo Rivera, Bill  O'Reilly and Cokie Roberts, the talking heads of Team USA will hold forth, with  authority, on everything from Pashtun tribal history to Pushkin, never letting  their lack of expertise stand in the way.</div> <bR> <div>  </div> <div>    <B>TAXI FARE MARATHON</B> Assuming that they can find a cab, competitors will see  how accurately they can predict what they will be charged as they travel to  designated points around town in D.C. In the final round, the imaginative fares  requested by certain drivers may remind athletes from some of the poorer  developing countries of home -- as will the lack of air conditioning.</div> <bR> <div>  </div> <div>    <B>CONGRESSIONAL VOLLEYBALL </B>Athletes will score points in this event by  demonstrating quickness, agility and the ability to say one thing and do its  opposite. Examples: blasting wasteful government spending while leading  congressional "fact-finding" missions to Maui and passing "stimulus packages" to  reward your loyal supporters on K Street; returning to your home district and,  no matter how long you've lived in the nation's capital, referring to Washington  as if it were Mars; launching a presidential exploratory committee and then,  after losing in the primaries and announcing that you will spend more time with  your family, going back to Washington to become a lobbyist.</div> <bR> <div>  </div> <div>    <B>4 X 40-MILE SMART GROWTH RELAY</B> By 2012, the Washington area is likely to  have the population density of Calcutta, or possibly parts of New Jersey. Watch  as gridlocked Washington drivers greet Olympic athletes during rush hour (6 a.m.  to 9 p.m.) with enthusiastic honking, energetic hand-waving and other welcoming  gestures. Tourists who rent cars in D.C. will get to participate in the  always-popular "Beltway Crawl" as they attempt to get to the finish line in  Baltimore -- before New Year's Day 2013.</div> <bR> <div>  </div> <div>    See you in 10 years!</div> <bR> <div>  </div> <div> <I>   Martin Kimel writes and trains for the Olympic keyboard competition at  his  home in suburban Washington.</I></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div>   <script type="text/javascript" language="JavaScript">var site="sm4sitemeter"</script> <script type="text/javascript" language="JavaScript1.2" src="http://sm4.sitemeter.com/js/counter.js?site=sm4sitemeter"> </script> <noscript> <a href="http://sm4.sitemeter.com/stats.asp?site=sm4sitemeter" target="_top"> <img src="http://sm4.sitemeter.com/meter.asp?site=sm4sitemeter" alt="Site Meter" border=0></a> </noscript>    </div> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>